Let's Not Turn Our Kids Against Each Other by Comparison: A Community Education Project on the Harm of Comparing Children's Behaviors, Academic Performance and Knowledge
Abstract
This community-based action research explores the psychological and social consequences of parental comparison among children in Internally Displaced Persons (IDP) and host communities in Abuja, Nigeria.
Through field observations, parent-teacher interactions, and counseling sessions conducted by the author, the study found that comparing children's behaviors, academic performance, and knowledge creates sibling rivalry, low self-esteem, envy, jealousy, and a false sense of superiority.
Parents often use comparison intending to motivate children, for example saying "Why can't you be like your brother?" However, the study shows that this practice inflicts emotional wounds. Children labeled as dull, wicked, or envious are often reacting to being constantly compared to a sibling who is praised for excelling in mathematics.
The paper proposes a practical solution-focused model for parents and caregivers:
1. Be observant: Watch carefully and notice each child's unique gift. Every child is gifted differently - some in Mathematics, some in art, dance, home care, storytelling, or kindness.
2. Respect different learning rhythms and speed: Some children read best at 7pm, others early morning. Some learn fast, others slow. Slow is not dull - slow learners just need more time.
3. Stop harmful labeling: Do not label a child as dull, wicked, or envious. The child is not wicked, she is wounded by comparison.
4. Praise all gifts equally: Do not praise only Mathematics. When only Mathematics is praised, that child feels more relevant than siblings even though he is not good at other things. Praise Mathematics, art, dance, home care, and kindness equally.
5. Teach children to compliment each other: Raise children who can boldly say "Yes, I'm good at Mathematics but my sibling is best at that and we compliment each other. I'm not as good as they are at that, thank God I have them."
Conclusion: Let's not turn our kids against each other by comparison. Comparison divides; complimenting unites.
Keywords: Parental comparison, sibling rivalry, child psychology, slow learners, community education, IDP communities, guidance and counseling, Nigeria
Author: Elizabeth Adamu
Affiliation: Sharia Court of Appeal, FCT-Abuja; University of Abuja Alumna
ORCID: 0009-0004-0199-8252
License: CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
Year: 2026
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BibTeX
@misc{adamu2026lets,
title = {{Let's Not Turn Our Kids Against Each Other by Comparison: A Community Education Project on the Harm of Comparing Children's Behaviors, Academic Performance and Knowledge}},
author = {Elizabeth Adamu},
howpublished = {Zenodo},
year = {2026},
month = oct,
doi = {10.5281/zenodo.23431496},
url = {https://zenodo.org/records/23431496},
note = {CC BY-NC-SA 4.0},
}
RIS
TY - UNPB
TI - Let's Not Turn Our Kids Against Each Other by Comparison: A Community Education Project on the Harm of Comparing Children's Behaviors, Academic Performance and Knowledge
AU - Elizabeth Adamu
PY - 2026
DA - 2026/10/17
PB - Zenodo
DO - 10.5281/zenodo.23431496
UR - https://zenodo.org/records/23431496
AB - This community-based action research explores the psychological and social consequences of parental comparison among children in Internally Displaced Persons (IDP) and host communities in Abuja, Nigeria. Through field observations, parent-teacher interactions, and counseling sessions conducted by the author, the study found that comparing children's behaviors, academic performance, and knowledge creates sibling rivalry, low self-esteem, envy, jealousy, and a false sense of superiority. Parents often use comparison intending to motivate children, for example saying "Why can't you be like your brother?" However, the study shows that this practice inflicts emotional wounds. Children labeled as dull, wicked, or envious are often reacting to being constantly compared to a sibling who is praised for excelling in mathematics. The paper proposes a practical solution-focused model for parents and caregivers: 1. Be observant: Watch carefully and notice each child's unique gift. Every child is gifted differently - some in Mathematics, some in art, dance, home care, storytelling, or kindness. 2. Respect different learning rhythms and speed: Some children read best at 7pm, others early morning. Some learn fast, others slow. Slow is not dull - slow learners just need more time. 3. Stop harmful labeling: Do not label a child as dull, wicked, or envious. The child is not wicked, she is wounded by comparison. 4. Praise all gifts equally: Do not praise only Mathematics. When only Mathematics is praised, that child feels more relevant than siblings even though he is not good at other things. Praise Mathematics, art, dance, home care, and kindness equally. 5. Teach children to compliment each other: Raise children who can boldly say "Yes, I'm good at Mathematics but my sibling is best at that and we compliment each other. I'm not as good as they are at that, thank God I have them." Conclusion: Let's not turn our kids against each other by comparison. Comparison divides; complimenting unites. Keywords: Parental comparison, sibling rivalry, child psychology, slow learners, community education, IDP communities, guidance and counseling, Nigeria Author: Elizabeth Adamu Affiliation: Sharia Court of Appeal, FCT-Abuja; University of Abuja Alumna ORCID: 0009-0004-0199-8252 License: CC BY-NC-SA 4.0 Year: 2026
ER -